How I realized I was Transgender

What is Transgender?

Transgender is when you indentify with a gender other than the one you were born with. This is an umbrella term for non-binary people and for transsexuals. Most of the time if someone says transgender they are referring to transsexuals who identify as the opposite gender than they were born as, such as MTF (male to female) or FTM (female to male).

What was it like before?

Before I came out as transgender FTM, I was known as a very masculine lesbian. I came out as liking women in the 7th grade, but couldn’t come out till after my family moved to California, where I had no doubt I would be more accepted. My revelation was taken well and there were even others at my school, including a cute bisexual I dated for some time.

I started high school the year after moving to California. This was the first time I had ever experienced discomfort in my body. I hated my boobs, they are already tiny but I wanted them smaller. My voice I could barley stand, and overall I felt out of place. To my friends I was gender neutral (a non binary gender) but I still went as girl to everyone else. Later in the year my PE teacher separated boys and girls for basketball and football, all so the boys could be more aggressive without the girls around. I longed to join the boys, and felt miserable and left out around the girls.

How did I come out?

Three months before school ended I was laying in bed and the word hit me, basically slapped me. It had been in front of me for so long. I’ve read about it and knew people that were trans, but I never even tried to picture myself as transgender. Immediately I texted my best friend, who lives on the east coast, and she was supportive and told me to think about it. I decided an hour later that I couldn’t be transgender because I didn’t feel uncomfortable with my private zone (which is not a thing that makes you transgender, what people feel uncomfortable about is different per person and if you feel comfortable with something that is of your birth gender, it doesn’t mean you are not trans). I came up with the excuse and left it at that.

Two months later the word came back into my mind and I could not get it out of my head. I told my best friend at school and at that point was scared and confused. I told all my close friends at school over the next month who all took it well – I even got a “I knew it!”. I decided to give my parents a letter to come out as I was too afraid to tell them, even though I knew inside that they would take it well. I left the note out and went to bed.

The next morning my parents had plenty of questions but immediately used correct pronouns and tried helping me decide on a new name. I picked the name Max, not similar to my old name, but an acquaintance of mine had a name similar, so I picked Max instead. Later that night we went clothes shopping and I had never been so happy, I swear. Later that week my mom sent an email to relatives, and on the last day of school I posted on social media my new name and pronouns. I was out.

Transitioning

The week after I told my parents I got my first binder. I love it dearly and rarely leave home without it. I feel so comfortable with myself with it on and pass way more. My Dad really wanted to get things rolling for me and found a gender management clinic in the city. I saw a therapist who was shocked by how great my parents are with me coming out, and basically told me to only see her if I felt the need. The first visit she wrote the letter stating that I was “diagnosed as transgender” and I went to my first doctors appointment at the end of last month. The doctor agreed to get me on hormones in July and although I’m not on them yet, I can barley wait till the appointment.

School starts for me in two weeks and I am proud and terrified to be coming to school as Max. I plan on proudly using the men’s restroom and locker room. I already got my name changed in the system and I am all ready to start this very different life that I have discovered for myself.

 

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