A Battle Inside My Mind: A Personal Story

I grew up in a Christian home, with a brother and sister, and both my parents. Growing up my whole family had a great relationship, though constant bickering between sibling was quite normal (as per most families). I remember almost everyday growing up being called “Gay” or “Fag” by one of my two siblings. Although I immediately told them off, night would be my time to think and reflect. I was always a sensitive person, only I was taught not to show it, as many people are. I sat in the shower alone with my shadow, for this was the only time I could bawl.

While I was a kid denial hit me hard, like a car crash it left me paralyzed. I was unable to think for myself. I would listen to my parents’ anti-gay and racist comments and repeat them to the world, because who is more right than one’s parents. Each week I would attend church and listen to the insensible judgement of the American people, or at least, those I was exposed to.

This occurred until the ninth grade. For ninth grade I was sent to a private school. Though it wasn’t a christian school, it was certainly run on christian oriented principals. After listening to the lessons and slowly familiarizing myself with each and every person, I began to create my own thoughts and ideas. I would speak out in school and would often receive punishments at both school and at home as a result. I became upset with the principles I was raised on and often avoided school and family  whenever possible. My grades and relationships were greatly affected by this, and even today I often find myself in similar situations.

For my sophomore year I returned to public school. I met some great friends who shared similar ideas and passions as myself and I really began to embrace myself. Shortly after, I began to discover bits and pieces about myself that were hidden from me by my own mind. Many people call it denial, but to me it was nothing short of a war.

After years of fending off my sexuality, both from myself and others, I finally came to the realization that I was bisexual. Though I still had battles with my mind everyday, I knew that this was me and I am who I am. After locking it up in my mind for years I decided it was time to be me. I came out to the people I love, but could also trust. After letting myself free I found that as long as I am happy, no one else’s opinions of me matter and I can be who I want to be.

And that is me.

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